Understanding relationships, dealing with them and their genesis has always been a quest. Have you ever wondered that since after our birth, how do relationships come to us? Mostly they are told and realized to us and then we start feeling them through our own or guided intellect. Weather be a brother, sister, father, mother or any other relation, it all begins with the communication and acquired language. A child starts acquiring language after the age of 2 years. It is only after that he/she starts associating faces with ‘types’ (relationships).

Interestingly we all live our relationships even till date through only and only COMMUNICATION (be internal or external i.e a thought or verbal). For instance, you are a ‘Father’ only when you are either thinking about your children, being with your children or talking about your children. All other times of your ‘being’ or ‘existence’ you are playing other roles like a Boss, Son, neighbour etc. You hold or exercise the relationship of a Father only in either of those 3 conditions. Similar is true and valid for every other relation. Something common in all those conditions is ‘Communication’ weather it’s happening with the related person, about the related person or even thinking (internal communication) about the related person.

Since we now understand that communication and language are the essence of any relationship, let’s also see that what is that essential part of communication that governs the quality of relationships. It is ‘Listening’! I’m certainly not referring to our sensual capability of Hearing.  By listening I simply mean Cognitive Listening. Unfortunately, we don’t realize that its most difficult to ‘only listen’. Like its famously said that there are 2 types of people in a meeting, one who speaks and others who are waiting to speak, so effectively nobody is listening they are only HEARING to RESPOND.

We all carry certain mind filters (like colored glasses)  with us that impair the true power of cognitive listening and leave us with some prejudices even before somebody starts taking. Try and notice these prejudices that you might also be using unconsciously while listening. Some of them are like

1. What’s in for Me?
2. What’s the point?
3. I’m always right… My way or highway
4. Now what will he say?
5. What I would have done now?
6. I’m more experienced than you…… Now you’ll teach me?
7. He/she never makes sense…… He/She/They are like that only

Take a moment and notice that these filters come to us automatically before a conversation starts. Sometimes even by looking at someone. Strikingly very common with Bosses and Spouses. The BAD news is that these filters drive the major part of our communication and interpretations, but the GOOD news is that if we can create a distinction (Labels) by identifying such filters, we can be much more effective in communicating through our relationships and hence will be living them in a Lesser Judgemental Version but in “As-is” version. All we need to do is to become aware of this filter when it is in play, this awareness will break the filter and allow to access the most out of the communication. A communication without judgement is all that is needed to avoid many pitfalls we face in our relationships.

Sending Love, Laughter and Joy… Parth

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